When I went to Ethiopia I had really unrealistic expectations. I thought I would fall in love with the culture, the people, the kids, and want to come home with a dozen hidden in my suitcase. I would want to sell all my possessions and move and be a missionary and live on injera and wat for the rest of my life.
That didn't happen.
Instead I was slapped in the face with the ugliness of my depravity. I am a sinner. I am selfish. I desperately need God.
(I know, I know...this isn't a funny story about my kids or a cute picture of their orneriness or a self depreciating account of how I stuffed left over pork chops into my sock drawer...bear with me.)
I struggled. I struggled with desiring the familiarity of my American culture. I struggled with feeling emotionally disconnected to my new son. I struggled with second guessing what God had called me to do. I was frustrated with my feelings of inadequacy to parent my new son.
And I was surprised by it.
I was hungry for comfort and familiarity and the intoxicating smell of my biological children.
But.
But.
BUT.
But praise God that is not the end of the story.
Praise God that something stronger than my selfish desires lives in me.
And when I was at my weakest...HE was at his strongest.
Yes, my heart might house selfishness and ugliness and materialism, but my God was (and is) able to redeem my heart into something beautiful. My God has turned my heart of stone towards my son into a heart of flesh. He is making me new. He is making Eli new.
Because of the power of Christ I am able to offer my son more than hot tears of compassion while looking at his picture while he lived thousands of miles away. I am able to offer him a love that I am incapable of on my own. A love that is fleshed out in hugs and kisses and wiping booboo's and reading books and tickle fights.
A love that is no longer forced and robotic and cold...but a love that is heartfelt and natural and born out of the very heart of God.
Here's to a hard but oh so beautiful 8 months together.
5 comments:
So sweet. What a great post!
Can't believe it's been that long! It's so hard being on this side of the adoption and not knowing what to expect. I'm always thankful for your honesty about the whole process - can't wait until I can relate!
Thank you so much for your honesty, Jenn. It shouts the praises of our Father. You are such a great writer and capturer of emotions! ...Oh, and I've been meaning to write to tell you that I think we're naming our fourth Ezra:) Fred and I were both reading thru the account in the early weeks of this pregnancy and agreed that it's a pretty amazing legacy.
Praising God for what He's doing in your heart! It's just too "funny"...we brought our children home within a week or so from each other, from different countries..but same ages, and boy, SAME FEELINGS!! I'm still struggling...cold, and "robotic"..you got that right..but you're encouraging me for sure:)! HE WILL redeem! I have to believe that.....
beautiful. 8 months flies by doesn't it??
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