on loss in 2020

The Winter Solstice was earlier this week: the darkest night of the entire year. 

It feels significant, in this year of 2020, to acknowledge the dark, without comparison or minimizing.

List of things lost in 2020:

* Tony, Mary Jane, and Ms. Jean 

* Scott's grandma, Tom's mom, Greg's mom

* a little niece or nephew

* 7 scheduled Nicarauga trips 

* Income

* soccer seasons

* In person performance for Ella's acting class

* Seeing and giving smiles that can be seen in public

* Youth retreats

* Going to the movies

* The Homeplace Restaurant (and many others)

* Jennifer L and Jimmy C

* Hugs and handshakes and sending homemade meals

* The last and final whiffs of sweet boyhood from Eli and Ezra

* Seeing numerous friends from church...

* Birthday parties, holiday parties, graduation parties...

* Any perception of control

And yet, in darkness, good things are happening.

Like a seed planted, deep into the dark soil, growth...grows.

Our physical bodies, designed to spend hours each day asleep, in the dark, in order for restoration, healing, and growing to happen.

I'll acknowledge that growth...perhaps, tomorrow.

Today, I lament the loss. I bring all my grief and sadness and confusion to my Father, for he cares and sees and is so very with me. My lament is brought with belief, the truth that HE IS good and sovereign, the two guardrails that prevent my veering into whining. 

The surprising thing about practicing the spiritual discipline of lamenting is that it makes room and clears space for healing. It acknowledges, at its core, that God is the only one who brings true comfort and peace.

When I lament with belief, opening up myself to Him fully and honestly, I clear the way for praise. Not because my circumstances are changed, but because the conditions within my own heart are changed.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord's praise,

for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

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