broken heart(s)

We've been having a rough time with the boys in their sunday school class lately. A few weeks ago Eli bit Ezra for a minor (obviously not to him) offense. Is it bad to admit that one of my first thoughts was relief that it was Ezra that got bit and not one of the other kids?

Then the next week I got called out of my class because Ezra was throwing an inconsolable tantrum for an unknown offense. And oh my! It was a tantrum and a half that included yelling, hitting, stamping feet, and the throwing of his body onto the ground.

Nice.
And quite humbling.

Those preachers kids, huh.

I spend pretty much all of my day every day with my boys and know how they can be.
They are three.
And boys.
And Ezra seems blessed with an extra four doses of boy.

Ok, and if I'm honest...Ezra has been in a difficult stage for the last year and a half. It doesn't matter that I am consistent. And I promise I do supervise him. He is just one of those kids.

With that said and all kidding aside...

It still absolutely breaks my heart when they choose to make bad choices. Breaks it right in two.

I want them to obey and make right choices. But not (just) for my sake.

But because I know that climbing on the dresser is dangerous. And because I know that learning to share is only for their benefit throughout life. And because biting your brother is not a reasonable way of learning to resolve your problem. And because eating 11 cookies in a row is not going to make you feel very good.

And. Mostly. Because I know that those actions do not bring any honor to the one who made him.

When I took Ezra home after his sunday school altercation I took him into my room to discuss his consequences. As I was talking to him I could not hold back the tears. I did not want to give consequences. I am so so so tired of giving consequences.

And in that instant I had a moment of seeing how the Lord must feel about me when I choose sin. How I must break his heart. Right in two.

He knows that my bad attitude only makes me and everyone around me miserable. He knows that putting myself in that situation is dangerous. He knows my complaining attitude only breeds discontent. He knows my independence causes distance between us and control issues within me. He knows that comparing myself to such and such only stops me from doing the things he has created me for.

And. Mostly. He knows that my actions do not bring any glory to Him, the one who created me.

Forgive me Lord for the many times I break your heart. Right in two.

Psalms 51

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my failings, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit withing me.

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