gulping

By | 11:14 AM Leave a Comment

I woke up early this morning, as usual.

The house was quiet.
Closed up.
Dark.

I started the coffee, pulled out my books, grabbed my favorite blanket.

I fixed my coffee and settled into my favorite spot.

It's a routine that is deeply ingrained. If I miss due to sleeping in, travel, sickness, etc. then my day just doesn't ever feel right. Sorta like I've gotten dressed for the day only to realize hours later I forgot...my pants.

These past few days (for some reason I just can't put my finger on) I have been feeling desperate for the Lord's presence. I've been feeling like I'm underwater trying to gulp for air and He is my air.

Like every relationship, my walk with Jesus has its ebb and flow, I've learned to remain faithful in the ebb and know that the flow will return. But these days, my life is nothing but flow. I feel so vulnerable, so desperate, so ill-equipped, so inadequate...in my calling as wife, mother, and missionary.

In my neediness and inability I am seeing that, apparently to God, weakness is the new strength.

But it's not that I'm growing stronger.
It's not that I'm following 5 steps to a better life.
It's not that I'm trying harder.
It's not that my kids have decided to stop talking back.
It's not that my husband can instantly read my mind now and has become an uber communicator.
And it's definitely not that I have finally gained control of my emotions.

It's that He is my strength. 

And I'm clinging to Him with everything I have.






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