the mourning process

Since I was completely honest throughout our adoption process, and I am always honest about the ups and downs and craigslist days of my mothering journey...it will probably come as no surprise that I plan on being just as honest about this upcoming Haiti adventure.

The good,
the bad,
the ugly,
the funny,
the embarrassing,
and the beautiful.

This weekend I was am a complete hot mess.

I was an uncharacteristic flood of emotions.
Not the slowly build up the level then blow the dam kind of flood.
No, it was more of the flash flooding kind of flood varieties.

Now, for anyone who knows me...well, you know that I am not a crier.
I am a keep-it-together-at-all-costs kinda girl.
If you tell me I am going to cry at a movie - I won't.
Just out of the principal of it.

I do cry...sometimes.
I just don't like to cry in front of people.
Ever.
(Rarely?)

Not this weekend.

I actually woke up Saturday morning and cried all through my quiet time.
Then I pulled it together when the kids got up.
Lost it again going through the kids dress up clothes. I came undone when I saw this lion costume and remembered my cutest lion wearing it...



Pulled it together for a little while longer.
Then completely lost it when a receptionist was rude to me on the phone.

Well, you get the point.

A true hot mess this weekend.

It was not that I was having second thoughts of our Haiti adventure.
It was not that I was doubting our call.
It was not that I would change anything at all about what we are about to do.

It is that I know a new chapter in our lives is beginning.
Which also means that a chapter of our lives is ending. A very sweet one at that.

With the emergence of every new chapter, there is a loss involved and I while I am excited about what lies ahead I have learned that it is good for me to mourn that loss.

More than good...it is healthy for me to take the time to mourn.

I have learned that at the other end of the mourning process is a renewed excitement and preparedness for all the changes coming our way. A renewed joy in this amazing invitation to be a part of something so much bigger than myself.

But today, I mourn. Mourn what was and reflect on it and give in to the ugly cry and remember it and be ever so thankful for this beautiful chapter in my life.

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