Change. part 1

As I wrote yesterday...our trip was incredible.
Not just relaxing and fun.

Life changing.

I'm not a particularly dramatic person, especially for the sake of just being dramatic.
In fact, I'm often annoyed by dramatic people =) I say this to let you know that I didn't just use the words "life changing" to be dramatic.

I'm going to be very honest and transparent in this series of posts. Not to bring attention to myself, but because I believe that it might encourage someone else.

The past few months since we lost the baby have been a struggle for me.

A valley, a rut, a dip, a dry spell...whatever you want to call it.

I was still going through the motions, taking care of the kids and house and husband, and being faithful in my times with the Lord. I just felt a lack of passion and love and motivation for the people and things in my life that the Lord has entrusted to me. And yes, I'll say it...I felt a lack of passion and love and motivation for the Lord. I was still being obedient and faithful...but it was just above drudgery for me.

I am absolutely terrible at identifying my true feelings and even worse at communicating them. What usually happens is that I am truly upset over X but will put all my effort into Y...until one day something just explodes and the real reason for all my discontent, anger, etc...X...steps forward. Been there?

Well, my explosion happened last Thursday morning. It wasn't pretty and I won't go into detail except to admit that for the 1st time in my life I actually punched a wall. It was somewhat oddly satisfying...but I don't recommend it as an effective means of communicating your feelings =)

Thankfully my wise and patient (and probably scared!) husband recognized my need to get away.

I can be such a slave to the god of control that I am sure I make it really hard for the Lord to truly move in my life. Isn't it funny though...how God always works always moves when a person gives up, or, in my case loses control.

All my brokenness allowed Him to work in me this weekend. To change me.

I started Crazy Love by Francis Chan over the weekend. A great book. I highly recommend it. I gratefully thank Tasha for recommending it to me!

Chapter 3 brought up a very pointed question for me to answer:

The greatest good on this earth is God.
Period.
God's one goal for us is Himself.

Here's the question part:
Do I believe that God is the greatest thing I can experience in the whole world?

If I stripped away all the incredible gifts he has blessed me with:

- Jeremiah
- Ella and Ezra
- Loving family and friends
- Health
- Financial security

Could I still say to God, "I love YOU?"
Do I, could I, love this God who is everything, or do I just love everything he gives me? Do I really know and believe that God loves me, individually and personally and intimately?

The moments and snatches of time that I have felt the Lord's presence...that I have felt HIM...have been the most incredible experiences of my life. I couldn't help for my heart to jump to my throat and my eyes to well up with joyful tears.

I do.
I love you Lord.

I am thankful for the good gifts he has bestowed on me...the people and things in my list...and how I have experienced his love through them.

But, beyond them.
I am thankful he just gave me himself.
Just him.

I was reminded of the crazy, totally undeserved love of God this weekend.

A life changing gift.

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