broken heart(s)

By | 7:51 AM 6 comments

We've been having a rough time with the boys in their sunday school class lately. A few weeks ago Eli bit Ezra for a minor (obviously not to him) offense. Is it bad to admit that one of my first thoughts was relief that it was Ezra that got bit and not one of the other kids?

Then the next week I got called out of my class because Ezra was throwing an inconsolable tantrum for an unknown offense. And oh my! It was a tantrum and a half that included yelling, hitting, stamping feet, and the throwing of his body onto the ground.

And quite humbling.

Those preachers kids, huh.

I spend pretty much all of my day every day with my boys and know how they can be.
They are three.
And boys.
And Ezra seems blessed with an extra four doses of boy.

Ok, and if I'm honest...Ezra has been in a difficult stage for the last year and a half. It doesn't matter that I am consistent. And I promise I do supervise him. He is just one of those kids.

With that said and all kidding aside...

It still absolutely breaks my heart when they choose to make bad choices. Breaks it right in two.

I want them to obey and make right choices. But not (just) for my sake.

But because I know that climbing on the dresser is dangerous. And because I know that learning to share is only for their benefit throughout life. And because biting your brother is not a reasonable way of learning to resolve your problem. And because eating 11 cookies in a row is not going to make you feel very good.

And. Mostly. Because I know that those actions do not bring any honor to the one who made him.

When I took Ezra home after his sunday school altercation I took him into my room to discuss his consequences. As I was talking to him I could not hold back the tears. I did not want to give consequences. I am so so so tired of giving consequences.

And in that instant I had a moment of seeing how the Lord must feel about me when I choose sin. How I must break his heart. Right in two.

He knows that my bad attitude only makes me and everyone around me miserable. He knows that putting myself in that situation is dangerous. He knows my complaining attitude only breeds discontent. He knows my independence causes distance between us and control issues within me. He knows that comparing myself to such and such only stops me from doing the things he has created me for.

And. Mostly. He knows that my actions do not bring any glory to Him, the one who created me.

Forgive me Lord for the many times I break your heart. Right in two.

Psalms 51

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my failings,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit withing me.

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Anonymous said...

As a fellow pastor's wife I completely understand your blog today. We have four children and one of them has Asperger's and his behavior can be quite bad at times. Sometimes it happens at church that he yells at me and it makes me feel terrible as a mom and then I wonder what the other church members must be thinking of our parenting skills. We do consequences as well even though we know he can't control his behavior 100% of the time. I'm sure the Lord does get tired of handing out consequences to me as well. Love your blog today. It really hits home.

Robyn K.

thanks Robyn!

Heather said...

I also love this post. Thanks for the encouragement.

Kathleen said...

Thank you for your post today. I'd like to say it gets easier, but my heart is breaking over the choices of my 20-year-old. I want him to make different choices because "I know" they will make his life better. Thanks for the reminder that God's heart breaks over my bad choices too.

Tasha Via said...

You are a wonderful mom, Jenn! These boys of ours are really going to humble and stretch us to the max. Maybe God knows we need that?

Love you,

Thanks so much for the honesty Jenn.
You are a wonderful mom, but I sure understand the times you feel very defeated and yet desperately holding on to Jesus. I, too, felt the same way. I thank Jesus everyday for His mercy and grace in our lives.